[Call God out] 2015/12/13
The teacher talked about God in class...
Teacher: "God only manifests when people most want to help."
Xiao Ming raised his hand in disapproval and retorted: "Last night, my mother called God out once."
The teacher asked in surprise, "How do you know?"
Xiao Ming: "Last night, my mom and my dad said in the room: OHMYGOD! Why did you come out so soon?!"
A
[The feeling of eating bananas in one go]
The wife peeled a banana and fed it to her husband. The husband just opened his mouth. The wife threw the whole banana into her husband's mouth with a thunderbolt.
The husband asked angrily: What are you doing?
Wife: I just want to tell you, this is not comfortable! Not comfortable!
A
[Indications before death]
One day, the teacher asked his classmates: What are the signs before death?
The students said: pupil dilation, recalling the past, returning to the light...
Only Xiaoming said confidently: his feet will lift up!
The teacher felt puzzled and asked Xiao Ming why?
Xiaoming said: Every time I see my father and mother sleeping together at night, my mother will lift her feet and then say: I am dying! going to die!
A
Smile and be happy every day
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The married woman in the city failed to remarry eight times, and then she stopped marrying
Relatives asked why she stopped trying to marry for the ninth time
Min Shi said: "The government prohibits nine marriages..."
A
Business opportunities everywhere
I was just in the Eastern parking lot and saw a parking space where a Rolls Royce was about to park.
So I stepped forward and knocked on his window, and the owner rolled down the window.
⋯⋯
I glanced at the owner and immediately lost a thousand yuan in. He proudly said to him, "I'm fancy with this parking space, you have to stop somewhere else!"
Rich is so capricious! Cool
result...
The owner threw more than a dozen thousand from my face and told me to roll away.
A
A
Later, I did it the same way...the effect was amazing, and I earned more than a hundred thousand a morning.
I have relied on this trick for three years, and I have earned a Ferrari...
Not to mention, there is a Lamborghini driving over...
I'm so busy...There are business opportunities everywhere
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Husband: Wife, your driver's license has also been taken. I will take you to the car. . .
The wife was full of excitement and went with her husband. The husband took his wife to the BMW, Mercedes-Benz and Porsche specialty stores.
The wife was moved to tears, and I have not married in vain in my life! ! !
⋯⋯
When I came out, my husband: Wife, if you see it, you have to see clearly. Don’t hit these cars in the future!
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A joke~ want to be the emperor man
Husband accompanied his wife to watch the court drama and sighed:
Alas, if I could sleep like the emperor every day, that would be great! "
⋯⋯
Wife: Want to flop to sleep, right? Ok, let me prepare you... After a while, his wife took out a bunch of signs and said: Do you turn it over?
Husband picked up the sign and slept on the floor, kitchen, sofa, corridor...!
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A woman in Washington sued Wellington Hospital, her husband became sexually sensation after surgery!
A Wellington Hospital spokesperson replied: We only perform cataract surgery for your husband, so that he can improve his vision and see more clearly...
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Abo wants to buy a car
Arbor went to the TOYOTA sales center and saw that he took out 2,000 yuan and shot it on the table: "Come to me with a camry!"
The clerk was taken aback: "Abo, you don't have enough money!"
⋯⋯
Abo didn't explain: "Isn't the door saying camry2000?"
The salesman said, "Oh...Abo, you go out to the right, the other one is cheaper~
Brunswick 500! "
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A couple quarreled!
The husband is coaxing his wife.
Husband: I'll cook and bake it for you.
Wife: Do not eat.
Husband: I will take you to the movies. ⋯⋯
Wife: Don't go.
After a while of silence~~
Husband: We have been married for so long.
I really don't know
What are my shortcomings,
Can you give an example?
Wife: No.
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Did you smile today? Laugh!
A group of drag racers saw a beautiful woman on the bridge,
It seems to be committing suicide! …The people stopped the locomotive and reached out.
A young man in the drag racing group came forward and asked the beauty: ⋯⋯
"Miss, what do you want to do??"
The beauty replied: "I want to commit suicide..."
Young people want to take advantage of opportunities and say:
"Miss, I will not stop you from dying, but you will die like this,
It's a pity, why not give me a kiss! "
The beautiful girl agreed, and then had a hot last kiss with the young man... kiss again and again
...Kiss and kiss again......... I don't want to end for a long time! ! !
After the tongue was finished, the young man said in a spirited way:
"This kissing is really wonderful..........!
But miss; why are you looking for death? "
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..
...
....
.....
...
The beauty said, "Because my parents don't allow me to pretend to be a woman!"
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It was so dangerous last night,
Check the drunk driving in front,
I just came out after drinking,
I knew I wouldn't go this way,
The police are getting closer, ⋯...
Heart pounding,
Sweat in my palm,
Want to turn around,
But this is a one-way street,
I can’t run,
It's my turn,
I opened my mouth trembling,
Blowed into the wine detector,
The crazy tweet of the wine detector,
Finished,
I thought I couldn't hide this time..
.... The police yelled at me:
Hurry up and get messy?
What kind of excitement will follow when walking!
………
So fucking,
Drink too much,
I actually forgot that I did not drive.
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Dad buys a house for his son
Go to the site to go through the installment payment procedures
The banker said:
Sir, are you paying quarterly or monthly?
The old man heard the fire and said: I am not a stepfather or father-in-law, I am... a father! ⋯⋯
then
The salesperson ticked the application form
……pay off.
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The policeman asked: Why is his wife so beautiful and still going to a prostitute?
Man Answer: Although I bought a Porsche, who dares to guarantee that I will not call a taxi when I go out!
Questions and answers... Solve the long-standing puzzles in the hearts of many people.
It didn't take long for his wife to rush to the police station. After meeting, she slapped her face and asked, "Is there any at home?"
Husband: Yes! ⋯⋯
The wife then slapped again and asked: Did you give it when you needed it?
Husband: Give!
The wife then slapped again and asked: Did the various poses satisfy you?
Husband: Yes!
The wife then slapped again and asked: Have you ever received your money?
Husband: No!
After the continuous slap in the madness... Continue to ask the husband: "Why go to the prostitute?
Husband looked at his wife affectionately, and wept in tears: Every day, seeing his wife, you are so tired outside. You still have to do it with me at home. I really can’t take it easy. I can solve this little thing by a thousand or two dollars. Why bother? How about you?...home! It's a warm harbour, and loving you is to let you go home and have a good rest! ><"""
So touched, brothers, learn.
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[Super funny! 】
The son asked his father:
"Why am I coming to this world?"
⋯⋯
Dad said:
"You hear clearly! One day, Dad and Mom were surfing the Internet in the room,
Dad connected to your mom, and your mom downloaded something from my pen drive.
When she finished downloading, I found that I didn't turn on the firewall, and your mother didn't install antivirus software.
At that time I wanted to delete it, it was too late, and you will come to this world after ten months! do you understand? "
Son: "Fuck!...So I am a virus!"
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It was another good weather on Saturday, and the two drank happily. One asked the other: Where are you from?
Answer: Heilongjiang.
Wow! I am also from Heilongjiang, fellow, toast.
Ask again: Where are you from Heilongjiang? ⋯⋯
Answer: Daqing. Wow, I'm also in Daqing, toast again.
Ask again: Where are you from Daqing?
Answer: Zhaozhou. Wow! I am also from Zhaozhou, toast again, and then ask: What is your surname?
Answer: My surname is Wang. Wow! me too.
The boss of the restaurant really can't stand it anymore, call: Lao Wang, your two sons are drunk again.
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When you are in trouble
Friends who can come up with two hundred dollars are friends!
It is the brother who can come up with two thousand dollars!
Relatives who can come up with 20,000 yuan!
It is parents who can come up with 200,000! ⋯⋯
But we are the only ones who can come up with 2 million or even 20 million!
This is the most touching thing I have ever seen
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Usury ads...
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Erhuo --- Going out on a mountain trip with a boyfriend, he was trapped in a temple on the mountainside by heavy rain,
Fortunately, the abbot kindly took us in. Knowing that her boyfriend has a cheap mouth, I remind him:
"You must not presume words like baldness, comb, etc. before the abbot!"
⋯⋯
"do not worry."
The boyfriend nodded at me, and the abbot said:
"Master Abbot, you see we are all wet. Do you have a hair dryer here?"
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Call back
A Scot went to London and wanted to visit an old friend by the way, but forgot his address, so he sent a telegram to his father: "Do you know the address of Thomas? Quick notice!"
On the same day, he received an urgent call back: "I know."
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The wisdom of life hidden in jokes
Fall
One day after school, Meimei said to her mother, "Mom! Some of us fell today!"
Mom said, "Oh?" ⋯⋯
Meimei said: "Everyone is laughing at the person who fell, but I have no wow!"
Mother said with appreciation: "Wow! You are great! Who is that person?"
Meimei said, "It's me..."
※When you encounter setbacks, you may wish to face it with a humorous attitude, it will be easier to spend.
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Professors and students
The English professor hurried to the classroom and looked forward on the podium and said, "They are already in class. Why is that student still standing behind? You..., you, read the second chapter!"
The boy standing behind said, "I... I can't read it!"
The professor said angrily: "I'm not asking you to pre-train before class? Where did you go last night?"
The boy replied: "I went to the movies with my friends last night!"
The professor said angrily: "You don't like reading so much, what are you doing coming to school?"
The boy answered, "I am here to repair the light bulb!"
※The most important thing is to understand the object before speaking and doing things; if the object is wrong, it will become wrong if it is right.
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Wrong money
A student walked into the grocery store and said to the boss, "When I bought a drink just now, you miscalculated thirty yuan."
The proprietress replied angrily: "You are not good at math? Why don't you say it on the spot?"
The student said, "I found it when I gave my mother money after I got home."
The proprietress raised the volume again: "You should make it clear on the spot, there is no evidence now, and you will never retreat!"
The student replied, "Okay! Then I won't repay you thirty yuan!"
※When you are unwilling to give up and do more, but first prevent others from setting up evil intentions, as a result, you can't make things clear, and it is you who really suffer.
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Each has a reason
The rich and the poor met in the park. The poor: "Good morning! What are you doing out so early?"
Rich man: "I walked out to see if I could increase the appetite for my breakfast. How about you? Why is it so early?"
The poor man replied with a smile; "I walked out too, can I get breakfast for my appetite."
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